This is (part of) my story and I am accepting it

(Caution: Vulnerable writer behind the screen.)

When I meet someone for the first time, I get curious. It's as if I'm browsing books in the library. When I reach out a hand to shake, It's as though I am examining it's cover. When I finally get to speak to them for the first time, It's as if I'm reading the first few paragraphs of this book. Every person you meet is like a book. There is a beginning and an end with millions of pages and a hundred chapters within. If we happen to have crossed their path on a terrible chapter, we shouldn't judge them by it. We don't know if they used to be or are going to be completely different in their other chapters.

This new chapter I'm in now keeps reminding me of my past. I keep looking at my blog and how "picture perfect" it may appear, as if I had it all together. I judge myself too harshly thinking that is how I show myself to people even when it is not what I want them to see. I keep looking at my recent pictures. I keep thinking that if I only knew back then that this would be my future, would I have done any better in my past? My past was rather quite messed up. Some people would not believe me if I told them about it. It were as though I lived in another lifetime. It were as though I was someone else in the past only to be reincarnated as someone new.

But I wasn't always like this. In my previous chapters of life, I was a completely different person. How would I describe myself? I was that girl in high school & college who was too artistic for her own good, but not smart enough to care about her grades. I was always trying to fit in. I was always trying to find that clique of friends. I wanted to care for people and be cared for. Unfortunately, I had really bad social skills. I wasn't a very good friend. Up until now, those high school acquaintances of mine are still friends with each other, but sadly, I don't have a good foundation of friendship to be even considered a friend to them. "Someone they once knew" was probably a better term for someone like me. And I truly regret not being the best of a friend that I could be to anyone during those years.

I got into smoking, drinking and a few illegal things. Yup, I was so "bad-ass". I'm kidding, but for real, I sorta was. I tried to steal from a sports store one time just because I thought it would be fun (I got caught). I jumped to the sea from the edge of a pier once while I was drunk (someone had to jump after me). I used to cut myself. Shamefully, that is something I truly regret because now I have ugly scars to prove it. I used to run away from home (not really, I just wanted to spend the night with my friends intoxicated and hating life). I used to be in terrible relationships - abusive, hurtful, cheating relationships.

You see, I was trouble back in the day. I don't know if you can tell but my story goes way beyond seeking for temporary highs in life. I believe I still have issues that I haven't dealt with and are still dealing with. Sometimes, I find these issues manifesting and I find that I eventually have to deal with them. And it has been a long, long (super exaggerate on long) process to get from that point to this moment. I realize that I have to write all this down because it is a good day to finally accept myself, including my terribly crazy past.

And I just have to thank God for this moment, this very moment, for saving me from another lifetime. I just have to thank Him for all those wild years because I wouldn't be where I am now without Him. I just have to owe it all to God for making this my story - yes, I'm thanking Him for my mistakes (I mean, people blame God for bad things, why can't I thank God for bad things?). I believe I had to make those bad choices, just so I can tell my crazy story to people one day. When I find the guts to speak louder about my story, maybe, just maybe I'll be able to elaborate more on my adventures.

For now, accepting my terrible-crazy-stupid-wild-humbling past is the first step.